7.05.2004
just a fic I wrote
Counting Camrys
It's been a year since I met him. In a short span of time, we became really close. I've had a lot of unforgettable memories with him...both good and bad. And thinking about them...hurts me...but I can't stop myself. Our whole relationship was along, bumpy car ride. We've cruised down every path, but it led us nowhere...and I thought, I've always thought and believed, that maybe we'll get to our destination.
But we never did. We stopped even before we were midway through our trip. He sped fast, I halted, and we never looked back to see if we had follow the right signs.
Maybe...it was meant this way. I've been telling myself that over and over. Yet now, I'm tearing open pages of my memory I've tried to forget…and found myself taking the cruise down that road again...
***
It was a school day, dismissal time. All the roads leading to our university's exit were jammed with traffic. It was a hot, chaotic afternoon.
I don't know if it was a good thing, to not have a car of my own. For one thing, I don't have to spend a fortune on gasoline. Plus I don't have to worry about parking space. Instead, I just commuted to and from school. Although I still get affected by traffic, I pretty much prefer to ride the public transport.
I was walking towards the bus stop then, when I bumped into him. I apologized for my clumsiness as he said nothing, and for a moment he looked at me before he continued on his way. How rude, I thought. But then again, it was me who ran into him in the first place. I turned to look at him, a distance away, his back facing me, before I continued to walk.
When I reached the stop, I stood under the shed and patiently waited for a ride.
An hour passed, but no buses came.
I waited some more. My legs were already hurting from standing too much.
When one finally came around, I was thankful...but then, it wouldn't take the route that'll pass by our house. I sighed in disappointment.
I was inwardly begging, praying, that a bus that would take me home would come. The begging and praying turned to cursing. Still, no bus.
Getting tired of waiting, I decided that if I wanted to go home badly, I should starting walking now. If not until I reached my house, then until I reach another bus stop...I prefer the latter, since if I just seriously walked the distance to my house, I wouldn't get there until next week. I already started my trek when a peach Toyota Camry pulled over near the side walk. The driver's window rolled down and revealed the man I had ran into earlier.
"Get in.", he said in a commanding tone.
Excuse me?!, I thought. What does he think I am, a pick-up girl?
"I'll drive you home...since I'm thinking you've been waiting for a bus, but had no luck."
I hesitated. I didn't know him. But I really wanted to take his offer. I desperately wanted to go home.
"Look, I'm trying to be kind here. Besides, it's getting dark."
"But..."
"I wouldn't do anything to you, if that's what you're worried about. We're from the same school, I've seen you a couple of times. If I wanted some services, I might as well have picked up someone who's willing to, and someone who didn't came from my school. I'm just being nice. If you don't want to take my offer, then don't."
The window closed. He was about to enter the road again, but I immediately went to the passenger door to stop him.
He opened it. I stepped inside, closed the door and put on the seatbelt.
I know it's wrong to trust strangers but...
I looked at him and shyly smiled. "Hey, thanks."
***
Everything that had happened just fell into place after that first car ride I had with him. We became good friends. I became his confidante, his emotional outlet, his punching bag. He can be rude sometimes, but I never really mind. In turn, he'd drive me home, and sometimes, he'd even pick me up and drive me to school.
I began to like him. Our talks became longer, more meaningful. We grew quite close and attached to each other only after a short time. Suddenly, I've been looking forward to our car rides. And slowly...I fell for him.
Then, one day, in one of our cruises, I suddenly told him how I felt.
"What am I to you...?", I asked. The moment these words escaped my lips, I knew there was no turning back. Maybe it'll change our so-called "relationship" for the better. Or for worse. But I had asked him the question already.
He turned to look at me, but I avoided his gaze.
I was…embarrassed for asking. And I was afraid of what his answer would be. I nervously bit my lip as he began to speak. Maybe I shouldn't have asked him that...
"A friend.", he replied. He continued to drive. He never said anything more.
I wanted to cry, but forced myself not to, because I don't want him to see me this way...I don't want him to know why I asked the question in the first place. I looked out the side window to distract myself, and so that he wouldn't be able to see...if ever I cried...
But then, he spoke again, after a long moment of silence.
"Can I ask you that?
What am I to you?"
I bit my lip and answered what he had said to me when I asked him that.
"A friend."
There was a short pause. His concentration was still focused on the road ahead.
Then suddenly, he pulled over the nearest vacant parking lot. Killed the engine. Looked at me.
"Nothing more...?"
I turned to look at him. His eyes had somehow softened. There was no change in his expression, but his eyes conveyed what he was feeling.
What did he felt...?
Disappointment?
He never took his gaze of me as he said these words:
"I'd be honest with you. I...like you. More than a friend. I may not talk about it, but that's how I feel."
He looked at me a little while longer before he turned away to start the engine and go back to the main road once again.
I gathered all the courage I could. Breathed deeply.
"I...I love you."
I don't know if it was the right move.
But he said he liked me...maybe not in the way that I did...
But it was worth the risk. If he just...liked me...nothing deeper than that, then, I just have to accept it.
I just wanted to tell him, to let him know how I really felt.
I don't regret ever telling him those three words...or taking up his offer to drive me home when we first met.
I never regretted anything I have done or said when I was with him...I...
I just wanted to be honest with him and with myself.
He stopped the engine.
Looked at me, shocked at first, but his expression gradually turned to the one he usually has...blank.
Unfeeling.
It was hard to tell what he was thinking, and I never could. I never seem to be able to breach that cold armor of his, and he never seemed to register any real emotions.
But this time...he did.
Something in him had changed, though I can't tell what it was. I don't know what he felt, or if he even felt anything at all.
I began to talk again.
"I'm not forcing you to love me or tell me you do. I'm not expecting you to. It's just fine if you'd like me as a friend, or whatever it is you think of me...I just wanted to let you know..."
I didn't realize I was crying. Why? Maybe because I was afraid of what his reaction would be...that maybe he just liked me, but he felt nothing more...
But what was I afraid of? I told him how I felt...isn't that what I wanted to do? Isn't it the reason why I asked him that question-What am I to you-in the first place?
I didn't know why, but I just couldn't stop the tears from falling.
And then...I felt his arms slip around me tight. He pulled me closer to him, and I felt myself leaning against his chest.
"Stop crying..." he said, in a different manner, in a different tone.
Milder. Heartfelt. With emotion.
"I...love you too."
***
Time passed quickly...everything suddenly seemed to fall apart. Everything began to blur. There came a point when I didn't know what was happening anymore. We became close...only to grow completely distant afterwards.
Ironic, isn't it? How things could sometimes turn out the opposite of what you expected them to be. There will never be explanations to why certain events occur. They just do.
We haven't talked that much anymore. I found myself choosing and guarding the words I say to him, and he seem to be much more rude and colder than ever. We would drive down the road for hours without even saying anything. We drifted apart. I was caught up with the relationship too much, afraid to let go, to lose him on the way...I didn't even realized that these things I was afraid of were happening.
Until one day, I waited at the usual place where he'd always pick me up: the bus stop. I had prepared a speech that day, of the things I wanted to say to him. On what's happening between us and why it's happening.
I waited.
I waited until the sun had set and the first stars began to shine in the evening sky. I waited until all the cars had passed by, hoping one of them was his Camry. I waited until I can't take it anymore. It was getting cold, and it was already dark. I was tired, and my feet, my legs, hurt from just standing there.
To console myself, I wrapped my arms around my body. Waited some more while trying to ignore the biting cold of the night, forcing myself not to cry, and trying to believe that he would come.
He would.
I had no companion except for a lamp post beside the shed, it's dim light providing some sort of hope to me and casting away the shadows around.
I tried to believe that he would come and pick me up. Drive me home like he used to.
And we'd talk again, and everything would be ok.
And maybe when were on his Camry, cruising down familiar streets, everything would be clear again...
I looked at my wristwatch.
Three hours. I had been waiting for three hours.
Tired, cold, hurting, I sat down on the concrete pavement. Tucked my legs towards me, wrapped my arms around myself. Buried my head on my own created cushion.
I don't know how much longer I waited. I lost track of time.
I was losing hope...
But then, I heard the sound of a car pulling over.
I looked up. It was him.
The driver's window was down. But he never said anything.
I got up, went over to the passenger door, got in.
I felt a lot of things. I felt pain, I felt emptiness, I felt loneliness, I felt anger. All those words that I had planned to say were suddenly forgotten...and were replaced by things I never meant to say.
"Three hours. You made me wait for three hours.", I began.
He didn't seem to have heard me. Didn't seem to listen.
"Do you know how long that is?!"
My voice came out louder than I had expected. It was angry, hurt...
This time, he turned to look at me.
Still unfeeling. And I thought he had changed.
"I'm sorry. I've just been through a lot...I've been thinking a lot of things. I never realized the passing of time, how it has been...we have been..."
He paused, but never finished his sentence. Instead, he looked at the road ahead as he began started the car. He didn't said any words again. We drove away.
I bit my lip. Maybe it was wrong for me to lash out at him like that. Maybe he had a good reason why he had made me wait...but still, he shouldn't have done that.
I was angry. I really was. But the pain I felt was greater.
I looked at him. I don't know what's going on inside of him. I don't know what he felt. I don't know what words he wanted to say, or if he really wanted to say anything. He's just too hard to...understand.
I turned to gaze out the window to divert my attention away from him and what I was feeling inside.
How long has it been since I knew him? Eight months?
Only eight months.
And we can't take each other's presence anymore.
And I still haven't really gotten to know who really is.
How much longer would this have to be?
How much longer can we keep on?
"I don't want this anymore." I said suddenly, slightly louder than a whisper.
If things between us are just going to be like this, and we continue this relationship...we'd just end up hurting each other more.
He stopped the car. Maybe he had hear what I had said, maybe not.
He pulled over at a convenience store parking lot.
"Is that what you want?" he asked, without looking at me.
I took a deep breath. Was it what I wanted...?
"It is." I finally replied after a long silence. I was surprised at how calm and composed I seemed to be.
He looked down and leaned against his seat. Sighed.
"I have been thinking about it too..."
He never moved in his position for a moment. It was after a minute or so before he shifted to face me.
"Maybe it's the best, for both of us."
His eyes...they were...different. They were...sad.
Very unlike what I was used to seeing.
And I hadn't realized it earlier, and I never really thought he was capable of it, but...
He had cried.
Although there were no tears now...
He had always kept his emotions bottled up somewhere inside of him, not letting me know what he was feeling or what was on his mind.
But he let me feel them...see them...now.
Only now.
But, it was too late.
We've said things we shouldn't have.
Dealt a lot of damage to each other that cannot be mended.
There's no turning back now...
I looked at him for a moment, but turned away. I couldn't bear to look at him and say what I was about to say.
"Maybe it is. There's nothing more we can do...we'll just hurt each other if we continue with this. We'll only suffer more."
"Then...this is the end of our drive, isn't it?"
I looked down.
It was. It was the end of our road.
I turned to look at him one last time. I nodded.
There was nothing more I could say.
And then, I did it.
I stepped out of the car.
Out of our relationship.
Out of his life.
I walked a little distance away from the peach Camry and tried not to look back as he started to back out of the parking lot and drove away.
I tried to be strong. But I couldn't.
I turned to look at him...at his car...
And watched it disappear into the seemingly endless road ahead, it's tail lights fading into the dark...until I was staring at nothing more than a black, empty path.
I stood there for a moment, and when a bus came and stopped near where I was, I immediately climbed inside and sat at the last row, near the window. I stared outside.
"Where to, miss?" the conductor asked me.
"Wherever this bus is heading to.", I replied.
He stood there for a minute, confused, then handed me a ticket. I took it.
Another one way ticket to nowhere.
A trip in my life has just ended and reached its destination...
A new one begins.
I don't know if I can make it.
I don't think I'm that strong. I'm just pretending to be.
Remember when I said that this is what I wanted?
Well...
I lied.
Alone in the last row, I pulled up my legs and rested them in the seat.
Buried my head in my hands.
And cried. Like I never did before.
***
It's almost been a year since then.
I still don't have a car, and I still use the public transport to got and from school.
And I still wait at the bus stop sometimes...
Counting Camrys.
Hoping that one of them might be him...
And pick me up like the first time.
~***~
This is a fic I wrote way back on June 14...as a somewhat reference to what I was feeling that day.(contrary to what the story is about though...no, i haven't been in a relationship.yet. I'm currently enjoying singlehood.)(reads the parenthetical comment before this one: yeah right.-_-) I only got to publish it now because I was just too lazy to type it and upload it here. n__n'' I'll just post more stories and/or poems if ever I'd be inspired to write something again.
Reported @ 10:55 AM
